happy birthday to me?

well, today is my birthday. It's like any other day if you ask me. It seems like my birthdays get worse and worse. Along with Christmas, Mother's Day especially, and all the other holidays.
When i was a kid, i had awesome birthdays. Even when i was with my ex, i had awesome birthdays. Now they are just blah. I don't know what it is. I just want to sleep all day.
Maybe its something I feel deep inside, maybe its the thought of getting older, i have no idea.
My mom is planning on making me a party tomorrow. I may not even go.
I'm not even packed yet, and i don't plan on packing.
We were supposed to go to a comedy show...bleh, we're not going now.
i wanted to get my hair redone because a certain somebody said i could, now is being quiet and not showing me that he wants me to do it. I have no fkn idea what to wear. Unless i wear an eres clicka shirt. ya know, the ones that he brings me from work.
ugh, i am so miserable, its not even funny. Im so depressed.
Why was I given this life?!
I want to just run away!!

allison

she smiles at me..

and when she does, i feel complete.

she's so innocent...

i love the way she laughs

it melts my heart.

i love the way she smiles at me. 

i love her touch, i love hearing her voice as she sings her favorite song...

even though she's a baby and doesn't know the words.

i love her broken language...and the way she says "go" while watching little einsteins.

i have loved this girl since she was inside of me.

i am so proud to be her mom...

there is nobody else i want to be..

but her mom, always and forever..

i love you my sweet little allison...

mommy's little one, mommy's angel

sometimes i wish i were a bird...
so i can fly to the mountains.
mountains are beautiful.
i like beautiful things.
i also like ugly things...

i love to sit in silence..
and let my thoughts escape me.

being alone is nice, but i also like being with someone.
i love being held tight, i love to dance and sing.
i love the thought of being on his mind.

i wish i were a young teenager again
when all my thoughts were easy, life was easy.

i need to release my stress..
i need to scream at the top of my lungs.

i want to be free...like a bird.

what the?

late at night i sit and wonder..
if it will ever be my time.
others have had the opportunity.
why not me?

am i not good enough?
maybe im a fool.
maybe i should stop dreaming...

or not..
because only in my dreams, i have reached that goal.
i am who i want to be in my dream.
in my dream i am invisible, happy, loved, wanted.

but not here.
here, i am a bother, pathetic loser.
a fool...

poor, poor me.
i wish i were somewhere else.
somebody else.
but i am just me. just me.
poor poor me.

i should go to bed, its very late.
i want to dream, dream my dream.
where im somebody else, somewhere else.
not me.